"Try to be More Like a Guy"

Men, they are the most precious, simple creatures that God ever created. I know this from experience; some of my closest family members are men, and, yes, I even have friends who are men. Okay, I know that folks will say, "Oh, I have friends who are (fill in the blank)." But, I'm telling you the truth, I really do have friends who are men. I actually like men, even though they're different. One of my favorite men is my husband, Rob. He's smart, handsome, hard-working, funny, creative and supportive; what more could I ask for? He can also be quite logical, a real Mr. Spock, especially during a disagreement.

Last night an issue came up between us, a differing opinion, an argument, a disagreement -- whatever name you want to call it -- where we each had an idea contrary to the other. During the course of this discussion, he told me that I should "try to be more like a guy" in stating my opinion, rather than relying on emotion, explaining my feelings, or repeating the same points in an attempt to help him to understand my feelings.

Men and women are different, and I admit that I do tend toward emotion, especially in matters of the heart, which my marriage is. But, in deference to Rob's wisdom and clear-headedness, I'm willing to try to be more like a guy, because, "Hey, I'm a guy" is a logical excuse for just about everything.

I think that I'll start by keeping the television remote close at hand, at all times. I wouldn't want the lesser, more emotional, creature of the household making any decisions about something as important as which programs to view, or at what volume, otherwise I might end up watching something like "The OC," or "Gilmore Girls."

I will carry the groceries into the house after shopping, which I will do with my more emotional partner, just to help out. After the groceries are inside, I'll go down to my computer to work on my projects while the grocery fairies put away the food. I won't even thank the grocery fairies for making the list in the first place, thank you notes are not guy-like.

In fact, I'm going to rid myself -- right now -- of all of those 'un-guy-like' traits, dropping them like a wet towel on the bathroom floor. Speaking of bathrooms, the roll of toilet paper is looking pretty low, but, I needn't worry, I know that the bathroom fairies will be along soon to replace it. And, I hope that they remember to put out a fresh bar of soap for the shower, and it looks like the conditioner bottle is nearly empty... (Okay, I do know that there are extra bottles of shampoo and conditioner, and even bars of soap, in the cupboard, but, that would require some concern for others for me to get them out, and concern could be misinterpreted as emotion, and, I can't have that -- and -- be guy-like, now can I?)

There are lots of things that aren't guy-like, so I can finally stop cluttering up my brain with silly details like birthdays, the names of people's spouses, children and pets, food allergies or preferences, anniversaries, special dates, meeting schedules, births, deaths, sickness, job promotions, new home buying, marriages, divorces, parties, invitations, R.S.V.P's... Gone!

I notice that my suitcase is still right where I left it, days ago, after I returned from a business trip. I wonder how long the suitcase fairies are going to let it wait there on the bedroom floor before they put it away? And, I'm feeling a little hungry, but, without the food fairies, my only options are chips and snack bars, but, I like those. Perhaps if I look pathetic, and make mention of the grumbling in my stomach, the emotional one will take pity on me and make me a sandwich. I really hate to do that though, looking pathetic is showing some emotion, but, this is for good reason, desperate times call for desperate measures. I'm hungry. This isn't like how the emotional one uses his emotions to explain that his feelings were hurt, by something that I did, when I was being logical.

Oh, I feel so free! (Wait, feeling free is not very guy-like, what I meant to say was: I am free!)

I think that I'll take a walk to the computer store with my more emotional partner, that would make him happy. I'll let him look at all of the pretty machines for at least five minutes before I begin to lean against the counters, roll my eyes, and/or yawn. I'll pretend not to notice the chest and ass of every hot guy over the age of 18, who walks within 50 yards of my coordinates. But, if the emotional one does catch me, I'll just smile sheepishly and tell him that I love him, that he's sexy, because as a simple emotional creature, words like those will usually do the trick-- unless it's that time of the month -- which I won't even get into. Oh, that's a terrible time, a week of hell for we who are without emotion, but, we must suffer, relying solely on our superior intellect for survival during that time of crisis.

I know that the emotional one still has some unresolved feelings about the issue that was raised last night, but, I'm certain that he will be able to work through them, on his own, without further involvement from me. I know this. But, I also know that the emotional one will probably need to mention the issue again, feeling as though there is some new information he needs to impart, some tidbit that will make all of the difference, that will crack the code, so that I will suddenly be enlightened, suddenly understand the error of my ways, beyond my current level of guy-like understanding.

I'll sit quietly, listening, for key words, picking out the most salient points of his concerns, then repeat, as I often do, "You're right. I'm sorry." It's the phrase that is supposed to bring about the end of the conversation, the cue to move on. Most of the time it works.

I know that there will be other situations which will disappoint my more emotional partner, and that I will disappoint him, without even trying. It's the clashing of two titans, Logic and Emotion. I'll go through this process again, of listening to his feelings. It's all very guy-like, this give and take, I deal in logic and he, in emotion. But, next time this happens, I'll be prepared, now that I'm acting guy-like, I'll pull out my logic card, my Ace, if you will -- the card from which the entire game turns -- and with all sincerity, no emotion and absolute logic, remind him, that, "I'm just a guy."